For the first time in my life at 32 years old I am not consumed with anybody or anything and it feels good to be in this place of contentment. I always found myself involved in a relationship with a man who had no intentions of being with me or making me his number one priority. I always found myself consumed with people I called my friends but they never had my best interest at heart. I never perfected the art of being by myself getting to know who I am or what I really like or dislike. I was always consumed with a man in my life; he was just a male counterpart to pass the time by in my life. Well,7 months of self discovery going on 8 months shy of a year I am at a peace.I never felt this way before in my life.
Seven months ago I found myself in another empty 4 year on and off again relationship with a man who did not dare give me a title as someone other than a friend with benefits. I was not a victim because I was an active participant of his back and forth confused web. I wanted more but he was never willing to give me more only enough to string me along. However, like most women I stayed hoping to change his mind when his intent was to be with me until he got tired of me. I believe I held on so long because I found comfort in someone who was there for me in the midst of the 4 years of coping with the death of my daughter. I know we both stayed consumed with each other to not have to deal with the pain of me losing a daughter and him losing a 6yr. relationship that almost settled into marriage. The real truth of this tale is we both were rebounding off the pain and hurt of life. Then April 2011 came and he wanted to cut the umbilical cord just to tell me he had no desire to stay in touch with me anymore. I was hurt but my heart did not feel shattered at all. It seem as if I woke up out of a deep sleep I was in for 4 yrs. then a light bulb came on in my head saying "It is time to let go" of the dark pit I lived in for 4 yrs. since Serenity died.
Actually, he was the link that needed to break in order for me to live again. Yes it is true I thought he was such a coward for not telling me this in person when he had seen me only a week ago in the US. He waited until he got to his next duty station to email me a farewell email. Now as I think back on his cowardly departure I am overjoyed because he gave me a gift I needed in my life which was closure. Closure to my pain, darkness, unhappiness, and not properly grieving my daughter's death. His goodbye was hard to stomach but today in solitude, meditation, peace, joy and the love of God this man help me close the doors on unhealthy, dysfunctional, unhappy and painful relationships. He was a big part of the dysfunction but also a big part of my healing and wanting to live again and feel alive. Seven months later I am happily single, on a journey to wholeness, going to a therapist to face my grief and get help; finally I cut my hair as a sign to get back to who I am and to free myself...NEVER AGAIN WILL I BE CONSUMED...I AM FREE!